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By Natasha Josefowitz, Ph.D
 LA JOLLA, California—All of us have been in situations either at work or at board meetings where someone had worked hard on a proposal, submitted it, and was rejected—sometimes with very little explanation. If there has been a discussion of the proposal, those who opposed it may become the target of the frustration felt by the proposal maker. However, it is inevitable that conflicts will occur as a diversity of opinions is healthy for any organization.
Supporting a colleague is important, but even more important is being honest about the merits of a proposal. We serve on boards and committees in order to enhance the organizations we represent. I have kept my mouth shut and have regretted it, and have spoken too quickly and regretted it too.
So, what do you do when someone is angry at you for having voted against their pet project? That your colleague is angry with you is understandable. However, you may be used as a scapegoat. Obviously you’re not the only person against the project; others must have agreed with your objections or it would have passed. The issue is not who is right, but that freedom to disagree should be preserved.
To answer in kind would not resolve anything. To ignore will not reduce the tension either. You have to do something. There are two choices: one is to write a very rational, even compassionate memo saying that you too would be upset if you had worked as hard as they did with no results, and you feel bad that they are so angry. However, you have your own integrity to maintain. You would not hold back an opinion which you believe benefits your organization in order to not hurt someone’s feelings, even someone you’re fond of.
Perhaps you can say something positive about the project, but that you feel the timing was wrong, that you hope they will hold
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on to it, and that you think it will be useful at some future date.
Write that their collaboration is important to you; you don’t want bad feelings to continue between you. Perhaps they would be willing to meet with you and iron things out—you certainly hope so.
Then, leave it at that. Allow them time to either write back, set up a meeting, or do nothing. All three alternatives are acceptable. No response may mean that the conflict will eventually diminish, and they are not willing to confront you at this time. When you see them, be friendly, but not overly so, in order to allow them some space.
If you do meet, give them a chance to be angry, listen patiently, and say you understand the feelings. Then, ask whether in your place, if they disagreed with someone, would they remain quiet; you hope not. At no time should you get angry or upset. Remain both rational and understanding.
If the situation is in your work setting and they continue to behave irrationally, you may have to involve your boss. Remember that managing conflicts is part of your boss’s job description. And no matter what others say, never bad-mouth a colleague. Chances are that it will be repeated and keep making matters worse.
If the situation takes place during weekly or monthly meetings as part of a board or committee, you may want to speak to the chairperson, asking the chair to speak privately to the people involved.
Either way, standing up for what you believe, even in the face of opposition, will earn you respect, and respect is more important in the long run than being liked.
Disagreements are almost always inevitable whenever an action is to be undertaken or a decision needs to be made. How to deal with potential conflict must be part of any organization’s culture.
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