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By Natasha Josefowitz, Ph.D
 LA JOLLA, California—I have seven grandchildren. Most of our friends have grandchildren, and we often talk about them—not only showing the latest photos, but also sharing our pleasures and frustrations. This includes over 20 grandchildren I routinely hear about. A few I see on a regular basis, I am godmother to some, am called auntie by others, and generally am privy to their problems and celebrations.
Overall, the grandchildren I hear about, as well as my own, are a happy lot, doing well in school, and enjoying time with their grandparents. I feel concerned and want to help when the children have problems. Here are some of the more common issues that seem to come up and how a grandparent can help deal with them.
First is the child who lies and says he saw or did something he did not see or do: that his brother hit him when he had not or inventions that sound true but are not. This child is trying to be somebody he is not, a sign that he feels uncomfortable about his position within the family or social group at school, often due to not getting enough positive feedback from others. He is trying to improve his position by manipulating the facts. Trapping these children in a lie does not help, building on their strengths and bolstering their egos does. But be aware that many children under six are not lying when they make up stories; their brains live in a fantasy world which is as real to them as the outside world.
Then there is the pessimistic child who sees only the negative side of things. This prevents her from being disappointed in case things do not turn out well. She is prepared for a negative outcome and does not dare get too happy or optimistic. Grandparents can help by recognizing all the positive things that happen as well as showing her that she is able to control some outcomes.
Oversensitive and anxious children are easy to get along with. These children are highly relationship-oriented, conscious of how others view them, and eager to please. They often exhibit low self-esteem and have high dependency needs. These children often develop psychosomatic ailments, such as headaches and
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nervous stomachs and are reactive to stress, so look for family routines that can reduce stress. Also, examine whether performance expectations are too high. Grandparents can encourage communication with these children by having them talk about what bothers them.
Then there is the oppositional child who is a source of frustration and bewilderment to parents. These children are argumentative, uncooperative, and often aggressive, either overtly or covertly.
Nothing seems to help: yelling, reasoning, threatening punishment. This kind of child wants control over his life. Control helps us feel that our lives are ordered, predictable, and secure. When children feel they have little control in a world run by adults, they seize control by any means they can. Frustrating parents is one way of doing it, because it controls the emotional atmosphere of the home. This child is crying out to have her real needs met, even negative attention is better than none.
Grandparents should not fall into the trap of getting angry. Be sure to give enough positive attention and acknowledge the feeling of wishing to control.
Another child may be underachieving for a variety of reasons: low self-esteem, feelings of dependency, or rebelliousness. First, eliminate any disability such as hearing, vision, or dyslexia. The most common problem, according to teachers, are kids who do not complete their assignments. If the child is work inhibited, working together with another child often helps, and being involved in team projects is a step in the right direction.
When children are overachievers and get themselves exhausted in the process, it is up to the parents to set limits on the number of activities and make sure the child gets enough sleep and down time. This is where the grandparent may be able to help the parents have more realistic expectations.
The most important thing a grandparent can do is be there for the grandchild, not judging, but accepting in a way a parent cannot be, providing, nurturing and fun. But grandparents should never undermine a parent’s authority; they, after all, have the final word. That’s not always easy to accept, so helping a parent, who is after all our child, is also part of a grandparent’s job. It is a privilege indeed to be there for our families.
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