By Donald H. Harrison
SAN DIEGO, Calif.—While a student at Harvard Law School, Jeremy Blachman
recently created a character named "Anonymous Lawyer" and gave him
his own blog. This cyber-attorney, supposedly a partner in a high-powered Los
Angeles law firm who liked to ruminate about the lying, cheating and
carrying-on behind the closed doors of his firm, soon attracted a
following among lawyers and would-be lawyers around the globe.
Many people thought that perhaps this cynical, arrogant, but funny, unnamed
attorney was someone in their own firm. Even more hilariously, some
attorneys feared that his barbed comments about the seemingly real partners,
associates, interns and staff in his law firm really were about them.
Blachman's diversion evolved into a novel in which Anonymous Lawyer contends
against his chief rival, "The Jerk " to become the next
managing partner.
In one posting, Anonymous Lawyer talks about how he sometimes likes to imagine
different ways The Jerk could be killed, adding: "I bill the time I think
about these sorts of things. I call it 'research.' The clients
never question it. 'Research' is code for surfing the Internet,
'drafting' is code for eating in your office, 'misc. legal forms' is code for
ordering gifts on line, and 'preparing for meeting' is code for taking a
crap. Everyone knows. It's no big deal."
In another, he talks about the perks of taking summer interns (called
"summers" for short) out to lunch on his $50-per-meal expense
account. "We had a student last summer who kept kosher," he
writes. "But anytime she got offered lunch at some place
exceptional, suddenly she wasn't kosher anymore. You asked her to go to
a cheap Indian place down the street, oh, she can't, she's kosher. But if you
wanted to drive up the coast for a long lunch at Nobu in Malibu, perfect,
she'd eat anything. She'd eat raw shrimp wrapped in bacon with a glass
of milk, off the naked stomach of a Palestinian, on Yom Kippur, if you told
her it was expensive."
Anonymous Lawyer makes complaining a satiric art form. "As you get
older, you can't control your body," he kvetches at one point. "My
shoulder hurts from throwing a pair of scissors at my secretary last
week. My elbow hurts from fighting for one of the swivel chairs at my
department lunch in the conference room on Tuesday. My foot hurts from
kicking a homeless man who was lingering around my car in the parking
lot. I think he was homeless. He may have been a paralegal.
I'm not sure..."
Oh, if only he were the Managing Partner of the firm. He'd lay down the
law about taking off for unnecessary holidays. "But what are
people celebrating on Memorial Day, and why can't they do it at work?
Wear a red, white and blue tie if you have to. But clients don't ask less of
us just because there's no mail delivery...
"I'm more flexible than a lot of my colleagues," he rants on.
"If someone's Jewish and wants to go to temple on Rosh Hashana, I'll
happily schedule the meeting for between the services. If someone needs an
hour to take his daughter for a pregnancy test, he can participate in the
conference call by phone, that's fine. But I don't know why people
insist on needing to take their wives out to dinner on the exact date of their
anniversary. If she leaves you for something like that, you're probably
better off..."
The book is savvy, and it's a riot. Whether Blachman really will convert that
Harvard Law School education into a career as an attorney, or chuck it to
someday become a writer for Saturday Night Live—especially now that Tina Fey
is leaving—remains to be seen. Whatever career path he takes, he's likely to
make big waves.