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My Bob Fefferman
April 2005—
Bob became my calm and my intellect when he married my Mother when I was 17.
We moved from a modest house near College Grove Shopping Center to Point
Loma, into Bob’s house that he built overlooking Sunset Cliffs.
I finished my last year of high school at Point Loma High with Bob
dropping me off at school in the morning wearing skirts which flirted with hem
lines above the knee. Not yet with
ambitions for the best Universities and not much money, I commuted to San Diego
State University for four years, while staying at home and developing a lasting
relationship with my Step-Dad.
Bob wanted me to call him Dad even though at the beginning
this felt strange to me. He wanted
to adopt me but because of circumstances this never happened.
We shared some personality traits
and life experiences that bound us tightly together.
My Dad was bright and he had an excellent memory.
He remembered the names of all his grammar school teachers.
He consistently did the New York
Times crossword puzzle every week. I
once tried to do those puzzles but was lucky to come up with a single answer.
He knew the answers off the tip of his tongue.
He, also, took walks daily and delighted us by citing long passages from
Shakespeare (To be or not to be…..)
My Dad was a Structural
Engineer who worked in the aircraft industry at Convair for some 30 years.
He was a specialist in aircraft flutter problems and because of this he
was invited in 1968 by Moshe Arens to work on such a problem for the Israeli Air Force.
Moshe Arens subsequently served
as Minister of Defense during the years 1983-1984 and 1990-1992 and Foreign
Minister from 1988-1990. He was an
American before making Olah to Israel and had previously worked with Bob.
That was a great time for my Dad traveling back and forth to Israel.
Concurrently, Bob was a civil engineer and with his own business resolved
structural problems in buildings around San Diego.
Before Bob came to San Diego, he worked on landmarks in St. Paul,
Minnesota such as the Minihaha Falls and famous bridges.
He was always working all his life until he was unable to work due to
health reasons.
If these weren’t enough simultaneous accomplishments
there yet was another facet to his life.
My Dad played piano and loved to play Beethoven.
If he wasn’t working his crossword puzzles he was playing piano.
He preferred more challenging pieces like the 3rd movement of
Moonlight Sonata, but my Mother convinced him to play the lyrical 1st
movement, too. He knew the music
and played without the scores. Visitors
came to the house especially to hear him play and we who lived with him heard
him daily.
Another facet to Bob’s life that we cannot overlook is that he cared for his
son, Mark, from his first wife, who has cerebral palsy.
Mark was institutionalized when he became unmanageable in his youth.
However, Bob visited him every week no matter the circumstance for as
long as he was able, even hiring a driver when he was unable to drive the
three-hour drive.
Bob forgave and didn’t hold grudges.
He had a friendly personality and was respected and liked by everyone he
knew. He never complained.
In 1971, Bob
suffered from an aneurysm in his brain, but after four brain surgeries the
doctors were able to restore his brain and memory by putting in a shunt to
relieve the pressure in his brain. Although he retired from Convair in 1972, Bob
was able to continue his Civil Engineering
business and carry on his life as if nothing happened.
Slowly Bob’s shunt became clogged and without being
replaced his memory and balance became diminished.
By 1996 he was placed in a skilled nursing facility where he could get
the care he needed. For eleven
years his steady decline continued while Bob held on to life.
I brought him chicken soup to revive him when he had problems and
chocolate became one of his few pleasures left.
For eleven years he lived there without the comforts of his life, but
looking forward to visits like mine. I
never visited him without him telling me how much he loved me, without seeing
him brighten up when he saw me. Just
a few years ago I worked on an easy crossword puzzle with him and he knew the
answers when I didn’t and most of his mind was not there anymore.
He was there still finding value in living while we still had opportunity
to care for him and tell him that we love him, too.
We wanted him to continue living because we loved him and wanted to just
care for him. Finally, he told the
nurses that he was tired and gave up his fight. After living until his 93rd birthday on April 12,
2005 he silently passed away on the morning of April 16 in his sleep.
On the Sunday before his demise, I brought him his last cup of homemade
chicken soup and a chocolate of which he finished both.
My last words to him was that “I love you” as he acknowledged this
from his comfortable slumber and said with his eyes “I love you, too”.
So, my sweet Dad, you know that you are still with me and I will visit with you often. For me you were a kind, gentle, and knowledgeable father between which we shared a great love. Like other great lives, his life was full of triumphs and trials. There is now one less Mensch living in this world. Your daughter, Lana