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Planning a bar/ bat mitzvah: a survival guide for parents

By Audrey Jacobs
San Diego Jewish Press-Heritage, January 10, 2003

If you have attended a bar or bat mitzvah recently and have children under 13, you may be thinking, "How am I going to plan a party like that?" But, if
you get informed and organized, you can plan a great party and survive the process.

What kind of party?

Unlike the bar/bat mitzvah ceremony itself, the party is not governed by any rules or a specific order. To start the planning process, first ask yourself
what kind of party you want: big and lavish or small and intimate? You should consider the feeling you want your guests to have when they
leave. For example, do you want them to think, "Wow they must have spent a fortune"; "Wow, the kids had a great time!" or "What a lovely, meaningful
party"?

Do you need a theme?

A bar/bat mitzvah marks your childıs entry into full participation in Jewish life. The essence of bar/bat mitzvah itself is a beautiful theme that can
spark creative ideas rooted in tradition, such as tzedakah-themed centerpieces, which you can combine with your child's interests. For example, one bat mitzvah girl loved animals and wanted an animal theme for her bat mitzvah party. So she created centerpieces of pet toys, food and accessories, which the family donated to the Helen Woodward Animal Center. "If youıre having a party based on a religious experience, it should be a religious party and should reflect what the child is claiming to be," said Rabbi Avram Bogopulsky of Beth Jacob Congregation.

Involve your child

Although he or she may be overwhelmed with studying, ask your son or daughter for input during the planning process. Typical of teenagers, they may say they don't care, but every time you make decisions about the invitation, location, food or entertainment, ask them what they think. Despite the predictable squabbles, just smile and remember theyıll have the same disagreements with their future spouses over planning their weddings.

Get help!

Once you decide on the type of party, don't panic. Get help. Consult experienced friends, read books and search the Internet. Also, most caterers
or party rental companies can help you plan and manage the party. If you're totally terrorized, hire a professional event planner. It may be worth the
peace of mind.

Where do you find these resources?

Books: For books, try The Bar/Bat Mitzvah Survival Guide by Randi Reisfeld. It gives you information about what needs to get done and how. It includes budget ideas, timelines and how to make the day less of a party and more of a celebration of something meaningful. The Bar/Bat Mitzvah Planbook by Jane Lewit is another comprehensive guide to planning a meaningful religious event with practical information. For a few laughs and to save a few bucks, try How to Survive and Profit from Your Sonıs Bar Mitzvah or Other Significant Event Where You Are Expected to Pay the Bill by Marvin Shapiro.

Web sites and software: San Diego has its own bar/bat mitzvah planning Website at http://www.besasandiego.com, which features many of our local
vendors. Two general sites with lots of great advice are Bar Mitzvah Party Planning at http://www.barmitzvahs.org/partyplanning.php and
http://www.party411.com/bar-batmitzvah.html. On line, you can buy items like flowers or kipot from www.shopinisrael.com (a great way to support Israel) and from www.barmitzvahfindit.com. There's even software with already-made budgets, lists and guest-list tracking called B'nai Mitzvah for Windows, located at www.castlecomputer.com/bnai.htm, or My Bar/Bat Mitzvah Companion at http://www.fivestarsoftware.com/mitzvah.

Professional event planners: Even if you're well-organized, you can still benefit from hiring a professional event planner. They know all the vendors,
can get you discounts, have lots of creative ideas and, most importantly, allow you to enjoy the big day with someone else worrying about the
logistics. Expect to pay around $2,000 for their time. Either pay a flat fee or pay hourly, but do not pay a percentage of the total bill, or they have
no incentive to save you money. Also, ask planners if they charge the vendors a "referral fee" and if you pay that.

"Event planners truly save you time, money and stress," says Sherrill Kinsler, owner of Behind the Scenes Events Co. at www.behindthescenesevents.com. "You make all the decisions without doing all the work. They can even limit your liability by contracting with the
vendors." Most importantly, select an experienced planner who is familiar with bar/bat mitzvahs and has good references. Experience can help you avoid costly mistakes.

If you don't want a complete event planner but would like some help, select an experienced bar/bat mitzvah party rental company. For no extra cost, they
will help you plan the event, refer you to all the vendors and help you coordinate them.

"Come to us with a vision you want us to create and a budget to pay for it and weıll make it happen," says Philip Silverman, an a